As we enter the new year Madison's starting hibernation day-3. Overnight mama bear Colleen gave Madison a large dose every two hours (pre-agreed to by Madi). Today we'll still hit her every two hours, as we lower the milligram count a notch. We'll leave it there for 3-4 two hour cycles and access the pain at each phase, and lower it to snap her out of it. Madison's moms and I have become experts at reading Madison's facial expressions: we know the sleeping-soundly face, the asleep in some pain expression, and 'sleeping but in a lot of pain' face. When she sleeping soundly, we still pop in every 10 minutes or so. For the other two faces one of us is always in her room. If she's awake we're obviously there.
Madison waived off several visitors leading in to this last weekend. We know people are perfectly capable of sitting quietly in the chair in her room but we suspect that Madison may not want people seeing her lights-out because they may feel bad. We think she's in a pretty good pain space, all things considered. Last week she was open to chatting about end-or-mortal-life, in fact she brings it up. She was going through the checklist in her mind... the 'what do I need to do before I go'. There's the logistical list: she said "you should have my email password" in case you need to reset my Discover Card, Facebook etc. passwords". Then she went down the path of "what do you think you'll do with my room?" I told her I already ordered a pool table Sugar... I just need to know when I can have it delivered. That prompted a shit-eating grin, so I asked her if she liked green or red felt. She knew better of course.
It'd obviously be green felt.
We talked more about plans for her room knowing that it won't stay as-is. We're discussing putting a flock of Madi pics on the wall, and relocating the treadmill that currently is the rack for laundry on hangers and dry-cleaning in our home office.
She asked if we going to have another service and what would be done with her ashes. We talked about what's not legal, and the 'where' we might (not : ) do that. Several options, she has lots of favorite places. Given she's been going back and forth from Dad/Angela's to moms most of her life, we may share custody of her ashes too. She seemed to like that, but ultimately it's to be determined. We talked about burying her ashes, but she asked "what for?". Hmmm, just a thought.
So over the next 24-36 hours we'll step the meds down as we've done in the past. As she opens her eyes from the deep sleep we'll ask her if she'll accept company. If she's not up to it, again it's not personal.
SO unbelievably determined... Bailey just doesn't understand the 'why' sometimes, and why not other times.
The Jones Family