Last month I was preparing to scratch/format Madison's computer hard drive, I did a once-over... did I miss anything?! A letter in italics below was on her computer. In late 2017 she suggested that I should write down all of her various passwords. Knowing the computer geek I am, she likely suspected I'd find the MS Word doc pasted below while trusting I wouldn't open non-applicable files related to past future ex-boyfriends. I read this last week for the only the second time since we lost her, and needless to say it an emotional moment. What a beautiful gift from a beautiful soul.
"What do you say after twenty-two years together? I can’t fathom where to begin. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you were the first man I ever loved and you’ll be the last man on this side of Heaven that I love as I do. How I love you, Dad. Thank you for loving me.
I remember when I was little I would hold up my little arms and tell you “I love you this big” and you would smile at me and hold up your significantly longer arms and tell me you loved me more. Oh I thought I knew, but I really didn’t ;)
Throughout my life you have given me so much: a home, a provider, a driving buddy, a teacher, a listener, a friend, a forgiver, security, and so much more. You were an amazing dad. I tested you and made mistakes, but you loved me unconditionally, always unconditionally. You cheered me on.
And then we were hit with the curve ball of a century four years ago: Chordoma. These past few years, you’ve helped save my life. You searched for the best when it seemed like every road block was in our way. You relentlessly persevered; never giving up no matter what the medical teams (Kaiser) tried pushing us into. You always found a way to get me what I needed and you found me the best and you wouldn’t settle for anything less. We may have been scared shitless, but you made the journey so much simpler for us all.
Big love is when he nearly cries with joy because you haven’t pooped in a week , but because his kid finally has some relief. That is big, real love, and I’m thankful for him. There’s another bed in my room, next to my new hospital bed, where he sleeps to make sure I’m okay. He wakes up at 3:30 am to make sure I don’t wake up with pain. He sacrifices as if it is a privilege and, to him, it is. He’s loved me liked this ever since I was born.
You were the first man I ever loved, Dad, and you’ll be the last man on this side of Heaven that I love as I do.
Rewind back to April 2014: we were in Boston and things felt like they were falling in to place. Madison was having five weeks of Proton Beam radiation at MGH, pics here. She and her future then BF, Angela and I were at the 2014 season opening game for the Red Sox, the 2013 World Champions. A song played that typically gets everyone singing, link here. About 10 seconds into the video I just now noticed something despite having seen the video dozens of times: that guy pointed and was singing to Madison, who was just singing along with Rodger, who was singing along with another 50,000 people. About 15 seconds in, you'll see Angela in a Boston beanie.
"What do you say after twenty-two years together? I can’t fathom where to begin. I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again, you were the first man I ever loved and you’ll be the last man on this side of Heaven that I love as I do. How I love you, Dad. Thank you for loving me.
I remember when I was little I would hold up my little arms and tell you “I love you this big” and you would smile at me and hold up your significantly longer arms and tell me you loved me more. Oh I thought I knew, but I really didn’t ;)
Throughout my life you have given me so much: a home, a provider, a driving buddy, a teacher, a listener, a friend, a forgiver, security, and so much more. You were an amazing dad. I tested you and made mistakes, but you loved me unconditionally, always unconditionally. You cheered me on.
And then we were hit with the curve ball of a century four years ago: Chordoma. These past few years, you’ve helped save my life. You searched for the best when it seemed like every road block was in our way. You relentlessly persevered; never giving up no matter what the medical teams (Kaiser) tried pushing us into. You always found a way to get me what I needed and you found me the best and you wouldn’t settle for anything less. We may have been scared shitless, but you made the journey so much simpler for us all.
Big love is when he nearly cries with joy because you haven’t pooped in a week , but because his kid finally has some relief. That is big, real love, and I’m thankful for him. There’s another bed in my room, next to my new hospital bed, where he sleeps to make sure I’m okay. He wakes up at 3:30 am to make sure I don’t wake up with pain. He sacrifices as if it is a privilege and, to him, it is. He’s loved me liked this ever since I was born.
You were the first man I ever loved, Dad, and you’ll be the last man on this side of Heaven that I love as I do.
Rewind back to April 2014: we were in Boston and things felt like they were falling in to place. Madison was having five weeks of Proton Beam radiation at MGH, pics here. She and her future then BF, Angela and I were at the 2014 season opening game for the Red Sox, the 2013 World Champions. A song played that typically gets everyone singing, link here. About 10 seconds into the video I just now noticed something despite having seen the video dozens of times: that guy pointed and was singing to Madison, who was just singing along with Rodger, who was singing along with another 50,000 people. About 15 seconds in, you'll see Angela in a Boston beanie.
Angela and I were in a restaurant last week in Puerto Vallarta a local band was playing typical Mexican music... and then it happen. Really, Sweat Caroline?! Yep, video here. I have very fond memories of that song. The first time, we were invited in watch the game in a Corporate Suite at Fenway Park. Sweet! To be honest, Madison was invited by the host of the Hope Lodge Fundraiser we fell in to, and Madison graciously brought us.
So I haven't yet formatted Madison's hard drive. I'll give Colleen another opportunity to have Madi's computer. It's Windows 8 old, tired, and basically worthless. While I'm confident I have all of the pics off of it and have kept my promise to Madi... that will never read any 'dear Rodger' documents. It's still such a tough thing to do; actually erasing Madison's computer. It was easy getting rid of her Camry, so much less personal than the only computer she ever had.
Angela went to get cat food and some other items yesterday, came home with this bucket. She's seen the picture of the men's urinal at Babel's in PV; hard to say what she's thinking will happen to this. I certainly have my vision, which I'm certain are different that hers.
So life goes on and hopefully we're all giving, living, and loving the way Madison would want us to in her physical absence. I doubt she would have authorized an outdoor pisser but we'll see where this goes :-)
